i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
