can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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