Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
