It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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