I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
