Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
