there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
