I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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