Do you still have your period?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
