like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
