Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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