my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
