we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
