Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
