your parents love me but you hate me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
