just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
