it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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