this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
