i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
