hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
