3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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