I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
