so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
