I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
