So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize