got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Couch. On fire.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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