Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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