i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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