i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
