if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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