Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
