On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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