You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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