she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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