Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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