I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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