I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
