"it" just moved
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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