There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My ass is underappreciated
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
