I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
