I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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