Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
