I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
