6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
