I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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