Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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