and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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