Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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