i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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