ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
