There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
