I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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