you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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