im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
