That's when you crack a 10am beer
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
