They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
