I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
