Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
