The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
