Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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