Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
